Cupid is back in town (not like he ever left Twitter, anyway) and is painting everywhere red. It’s Valentine’s tomorrow, the most anticipated love day all year-long, and social media is catching the most heat —Singles’ Twitter, I mean.
February the 14th is known for the display of love in the most creative and extravagant way. We always only ever think about the nice things. I mean, I’ll be having probably the most unvalentinish Valentine’s ever and I have to drag every other person down with me too. Here are five disastrous things that can happen to you on Val’s day:
- Devil’s trumpet
You’re deep asleep on Val’s morning. You’re snoring and your hair is a huge mess. You hear a loud bang and jolt up! It’s the almighty paranran people playing Ed Sheeran’s Perfect. You can almost not hear your own thoughts. Everyone is screaming and making videos and you’re just there in shock but you fake a smile. Someone from nowhere pops confetti and tiny, coloured papers fill your room and enters your garri bucket. You stand there mad at Bayo for paying for this preposterous theatrical show instead of a date to Pinkie’s Bistro. “Wait o! Who will sweep this thing?” Loool better hold the foolish girl that sprayed it on your head😂
- Surpriser gets surprised
Aunty Shalewa, you step into your boyfriend’s house excited with the botched picture frame. The artiste drew his head bigger than what it actually is. His nose looks crooked but you paid your last card for it. You open the door and shout “surpriseeeee!” Alas! Another girl brought Tunde food platter. Pls eat out of the food before you leave. The only thing worse than a heartbreak is being hungry while heartbroken.
- A Caught
You hear your phone dinging. Everyone is tagging you. A girl with username “posh queen” just posted your boyfriend. The same picture you posted yesterday with the caption “my king, my heart”. Kingdom haff scatter now.
- Get Ditched
What’s the worst thing that can ever happen to you on Valentine’s? Say you’re all glammed up, makeup on fleek, beat one hunnid. You’re to meet with your date but his phone is suddenly off. Not replying texts, no nothing. He calls you 11pm to say “something came up”. Not like I can relate but oh well. This isn’t about me. It’s you. You just got ditched.
- Then there’s you!
Then there’s you! Unhooked, unhitched, unvalentined and single (even Fem, the single, made it to the album.) You’re just there reading this blog, knowing no one cares enough to send you anything. You shall be the one aww-ing on people’s oppression posts tomorrow. Not like this shall be me anyway. I’m really just saying.
Why must you have a great Valentine when mine will be bleh?