DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A ROAST!!
2019 ends by midnight. They say it’s the end of a decade even if I don’t quite understand why that’s making headlines (I meannn, isn’t every year the end of a new decadeee??? Tinkabourrit.) So your girl just thought, what better way to end the year than with a “DON’T FREAKING BRING THIS TO 2020” post.
NB: Texting with weird abbreviations are so 2017 and won’t be making this list. It is permissible for only a new set of tech-savvy animals: the “humanimals” ( you’re one of them? Oops!)
1. ULTRA-THICK LASHES
*Exhales dramatically* I need to catch my breath because this trended longer than LeBron James’ height. Someone needs to tutor me on why a human being would put falsies so thick on her eyes, she would literally be unable to see God’s blessings when He sends them. Love is not blind; your lashes are enabling you make terrible partner choices hun! Except you’re Eucharia Anunobi (let’s not talk about her eyebrow game 😂), unprivileged to read this article or unable to afford decent falsies, plssss never step out looking like Bukky WRONG!
2. WACK ALTÉ: Oversized fashion edition
I’m not really into the alté movement but I understand the craze. It’s really groovy and y’all be feeling woke and hippy. It’s cool. But heyy! Hellurr? You can’t hear me? Step forward pls! You can’t keep on soring my eyes. Nobody actually wears clothes from American runway shows. You have so much fabric on you, my curtains are angry!!! I understand that times are hard and you may be trying to grow into your clothes but pls, in all things moderation okayyyyyyy?
3. What is a Speed Darlington!
4. Unblended makeup
What in the name of Bobrisky occurred in 2019?! God created you in His image but girrllll, He be looking at you right now and can’t even recognize Himself!
5. MEMES OBJECTIFYING WOMEN
Channel all your sexual sense of humour into productive things. I keep getting messages that I’m skewed with my articles on gender and unduly making women seem victims of non-existent discrimination situations and men are in fact the victims dadadada! Do you even get it at all? You really do not get to decide who is playing the victim card. If getting harrassed and speaking up for myself and millions of people is being biased then that’s all I want to be. Make the cyberspace a safe space for women (and men) to share their experiences.
(Lmao I’ve not forgotten you people that keep on “happy-uterus-escaping” us on WhatsApp. Court of public opinion want me to finish you but you that you don’t know the difference between “am”and “I’m”, are you not finished already??😂 )
6. If you don’t read and engage on my blog posts, you’re playing yourself. At this juncture, I’m really tempted to do a joke on Arsenal and you playing yourself but that’s enough snarkiness for the year 😂
Rounding off, I’m really grateful for a splendid year; networking, opportunities and opened doors. I’m thankful for the insight God gave me to start this blog and channel my inner Kevin Hart+Chimamanda into something productive (lookk, is it your Chimamanda?) Most sincerely, I’m elated that one thousand plus people think that my blog is at least half interesting enough to be read. I’m literally living my dream and thanks for being a part of my biggg 2019!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
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